My Partner Killed Himself, I Think He Might Have Cheated—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek,

My accomplice of 12 years died by suicide three days afterwards answer to me for accepting aria about his accord with his male friend. There had been anytime signs which anything was once activity on, including authoritative animadversion about the blur Brokeback Mountain and a moment area he got his acquaintance to lick mayonnaise off his fingers in a alluring way.

When I asked him if there was once there was once anything activity on with his acquaintance he answered me with a acerb remark, about he never really answered me and banned to altercate the affair any further.

Shortly afore my accomplice dead himself he sat me bottomward and informed me he had not been honest with me about his “friend,” about banned to analyze what he was once talking about. For a week or so afore he died he kept authoritative animadversion about how his developed sons and I would be abashed of him and how we would be humiliated, about he wouldn’t say about what.

Now my accomplice has died, this “friend” hangs all over all the time, and my partner’s sons from a antecedent accord have developed abutting to him, they’ve alike accustomed him a abode to break and anchored him a job. This man cannot accommodated my eye, nor do I choose him to. I have lately abstruse from alternate accompany which he has been cogent humans I advised my accomplice abominably and which I am mentally unstable, amid added things.

I really-feel like I can’t say anything adjoin this man, as my partner’s sons avert him and guard him. I alone choose to accost him and accomplish him acknowledge the truth, about I don’t choose to change the children’s assessment of their father. He also makes abiding he’s never abandoned while I am around.

Should I accost him or let it go? I am ambidextrous with both affliction from my partner’s suicide, about also his accessible infidelity, so I don’t apperceive what to do.

I’m actual lost, abashed and hurting.

Patty, Unknown

Newsweek‘s “What Should I Do?” offers able admonition to readers. If you have a claimed dilemma, let us apperceive via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for admonition on relationships, family, friends, cash and banal and your adventure could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.

There Is Nothing To Do

Dr. MaryCatherine McDonald, Ph.D., is a agony researcher, columnist and certified activity coach.

Oh, Patty. What an enormous, beauteous loss. I’m so sorry. And now you are larboard with questions about how he lived, in accession to all this crushing grief. Here’s the actual abbreviate answer to your question: you don’t apperceive what to do because there is annihilation to do. The concept which there is anything we should be accomplishing is a ambush played on us by the allotment of ourselves which does not choose to abide to grief. That allotment of us is well-meaning, about it is wrong. What we do with affliction is grieve.

Your apperception is tricking you into assertive which if you get the truth, this will somehow aching less. When humans die, they booty our changing questions with them. We coursing bottomward answers to these questions and sometimes we get a sliver of truth, about generally we locate addition changing question.

Grief is painful, about it is also very wise. Your affliction is cogent you which you cannot accumulate this “friend” in your life. Not because of what may or may not have happened, about because if he cannot attending you in the eye, he cannot assist you with your grief. The alone humans who get to be in your activity correct now are the ones who can.

Your accomplice was once accustomed anytime things which got too abundant to hold. He was once operating beneath the adverse acceptance which the alone way out was once all the way out. One of the things which he was once accustomed could have been a abstruse about his sexuality. Another could have been infidelity. But here’s the thing: what he was once accustomed does not await anymore. It is not castigation to backpack now. It is not castigation to resolve. Your job—and one you absolutely did not assurance up for—is to grieve.

Find a Way To Safely Ask His Friend If He Can Confirm Your Suspicions

Frank Thewes, LCSW is a New Jersey-based therapist specializing in agony and relationships.

Patty,

I’m actual apologetic to hear about your loss. I achievement you have the abutment and assets you choose to accord with the grief, affliction and confusion. My catechism to you would be why are you absorption on your asleep partner’s female and his abeyant activity accomplice while your accomplice alone died by suicide, abrogation you to aces up the pieces and accomplish faculty of all this.

Are you absorption on your emotions about your partner’s afterlife and award abutment on which journey? It’s accessible your accomplice was once bisexual or gay, certainly. Would acknowledging which assist you actualize ambience and avenues for ambidextrous with the affliction and agony from his suicide? If which is the case, again locate a way to cautiously ask his acquaintance if he can affirm your suspicions. I don’t see you accepting a lot of your needs met against him above that. It feels you and he both absent addition basic while your accomplice died. You may have further in accustomed actuality than you think.

If there is a safe and advantageous way for you to get advice from your partner’s friend, again you can accomplish a good-faith attempt. If there isn’t, focus on affair your own acute emotions of grief, pain, and abashing and trying to alleviate from the doubtful affairs you are experiencing. If you begin there, you may locate beneath of a choose bottomward the alley to accost anyone.

The advice provided actuality is not advised as medical advice, analysis or treatment. You should argue with a able healthcare provider for admonition apropos your specific situation. If you or addition you apperceive is in crisis, alarm or argument 988 to ability the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.